The Syracuse University football team welcomes in No. 8-ranked LSU to the Carrier Dome tomorrow, and leading the way will be Heisman frontrunner Leonard Fournette. Fournette, by now, has earned quite a reputation as a more or less unstoppable force. Syracuse coach Scott Shafer said he’s the best running back he’s coached against in 26 years, and Mel Kiper has said he’d be the top pick in the NFL Draft were he eligible (he’s only a true sophomore).
I could tell you about how Fournette is averaging 8.2 yards-per-carry, and has remarkable speed and shiftiness for a guy who checks in at 6-foot-1, 230 pounds. Last week he put up 228 yards against Auburn, and has proven that he can run past, around, or through defenders. But by now, everyone knows what kind of football player he is. His exploits on the gridiron are becoming increasingly well known. But what about his accomplishments off the field?
Let’s take a closer look at the man they call Leonard Fournette…
- As a child in 2004, Fournette successfully fought a polar bear when it attempted to steal his favorite toy.
- It’s widely believed that animators based the CGI Hulk in the Avengers films on a photo of Fournette sneezing as an infant.
- Fournette’s first job was working construction as a 12 year old, when he’d get paid to run through brick walls to take care of the demolition of decrepit buildings.
- His first pet was named Fluffy. Fluffy was a 17-foot alligator.
- Fournette’s favorite film is Miss Congeniality 2, and upon learning this, the Academy retroactively gave it the Oscar for Best Picture and the AFI named it the greatest film of all-time. Francis Ford Coppola agreed this was the correct course of action.
- He really enjoys sunsets. Accordingly, the Earth speeds its rotation to provide them as quickly as possible whenever he requests them.
- If you look up the word “strong” in the dictionary, you won’t find a picture of Leonard Fournette. Don’t be ridiculous.
- Contrary to popular opinion, Leonard Fournette does not have a metal, cyborg skeleton beneath his flesh. It’s actually a more flexible and durable polycarbonate alloy one that allows him to maintain his quickness without giving up any of his indestructible power.
- 9 out of 10 celebrities who adopt kids from foreign countries do so in the hopes that they’ll be able to marry these kids off to Leonard Fournette, just because they want to have him in the family.
- The only thing strong enough to slow down Leonard Fournette’s momentum is Mel Kiper’s hair.
- He once ate four hot dogs in a single sitting. What? He wasn’t that hungry, give the guy a break.
- The Pope doesn’t want anyone to know this, but he’s really in the country to ask for Leonard Fournette’s autograph.
- There was actually a zombie uprising in 2011, you just never heard about it because the military sent Leonard Fournette to take care of it. He accomplished his mission and then enjoyed a nice brunch later that morning.
- Leonard Fournette doesn’t actually jump; he kicks the ground so hard that it briefly contracts and collapses beneath him.
- He’s actually the real father of your child. Congratulations!