COLUMBUS, Ohio – A local man is in shock this morning in the wake of 4-star football recruit Demetrius Robertson choosing to continue his career at a rival school, sources have confirmed. Doug Bradley, 48, has been inconsolable since Robertson decided to break his heart with a tweet announcing his commitment, according to friends of the father of three.
“I just can’t believe he’d be so selfish,” said Bradley in a prepared statement. “All of that time and energy I spent posting great things about him on message boards, and this is the thanks I get? It’s like he didn’t even take my reaction and efforts into account.”
So far this recruiting season, Bradley has seen his heart ripped out and stomped into oblivion by no less than 12 recruits who “could have been stars here, but apparently they got paid off by those cheating bastard schools.”
“Everyone knows they pay their players,” continued Bradley. “How else could you explain a talented kid like Derrick Robertson picking them over us?” At press time, Bradley had used the wrong name for the 4-star tight end six additional times.
The reality is that this is the most recent in a long line of recruits choosing to put their own futures ahead of the fandom of middle aged men who probably won’t remember their names in a few years, let alone ever spell them correctly. Recruits point to things like “education” and “opportunity to play” and frequently ignore the more important traits a school has to offer, such as “not being that other shitty school in a lousy conference.” It’s become an increasingly troublesome trend, as Doug Bradley knows all too well.