MEXICO, New York – An area sports fan has been described by friends as “very excited” about the upcoming college football season, finding a renewed sense of purpose in finding things to complain about. Doug Stewart, 47, has reportedly been very upbeat since fall camps began opening up around the country and has recently been sharpening his whining skills on internet comment sections.
“He’s really on top of his game,” said Tom Scott, a work colleague of Stewart’s. “He’s already bitching at a playoff level, in that he’s completely certain there won’t be any postseason at all again this year. I’ve never seen him so ready to bring people down with his unrelenting pessimism.”
Stewart states he’s been getting ready for the season by attending local pickup basketball games at the YMCA and loudly and vigorously booing the participants, including 54 year old Pat McDonald, who took a moment after a particularly rough recent game to speak to me about Stewart.
“What an asshole,” said McDonald.
In addition to honing his in-game groaning, Stewart has also been patrolling numerous sports websites with angry retorts at the ready in any comments section that even remotely references his favorite team. He’s become particularly adept at spinning every perceived slight as being the fault of the team’s coaching staff.
“I thought it was a little weird when he blamed the continued conflict on the Gaza Strip on the offensive coordinator, but I have to hand it to him, he did a nice job backing up his claims with all capital letters and an abundance of exclamation points,” said fellow commenter George Harris.
Stewart will continue honing his bellyaching for the next few weeks as he anxiously awaits kickoff, which he’s positive will probably go out of bounds or be returned for a touchdown because “we just really suck, man.”