SYRACUSE, N.Y. – In a stunning affront to the very concept of democracy in the United States of America, and an attack on the very freedoms our founding fathers worked so hard to give us when they rebelled against the tyranny of our English ancestors, it’s been brought to my attention that Syracuse coaches Jim Boeheim and Scott Shafer have been refusing to acknowledge the input of a Syracuse fan and Ohio resident named Burt Flaherty, who friends say shouts several valuable pieces of obscenity riddled advice throughout the course of every televised game he’s able to illegally stream on his laptop computer.
Flaherty, a divorced father of two who lived in Oswego for a short time as a child, has not missed a game that was available via websites that would not plant adware on his computer in more than three years. Friends say he also frequents the comments sections of Syracuse.com articles, and despite numerous typos and salty language, offers the kind of wisdom that coaches Boeheim and Shafer should really consider taking if they ever want to find any success in the future, goddamnit.
“Burt really knows his stuff,” said longtime friend Carl Haughton, who works in the next cubicle over from Flaherty and has played in a fantasy football league with him for six years. “I always hear him angrily shouting things like, ‘make that shot you asshole’ and ‘oh come on, you’ve got to play better defense than that!’ and I find myself in awe of his knowledge of the game, because seriously, those guys really should try to make more baskets.”
Likewise, Flaherty has some sound advice for coach Shafer, according to Haughton.
“Oh yeah, just the other day I was walking past his desk and glanced over at this meme he was creating with a picture of Shafer’s face, and it said ‘SCORE MORE POINTS’ and I thought to myself, ‘Wow, that’s crazy enough to work.'”
Yet for all of his valuable insight, for some reason Boeheim and Shafer have yet to take Flaherty’s expertise into account and have as of yet refused to acknowledge the man’s existence, let alone his superior feel for their respective sports, in their post game comments.
“Who?” said Shafer, when asked for comment. Boeheim added a curt shake of the head when we asked him for comment prior to Sunday’s game against Hampton, in a contest that the Orange won but that Flaherty found himself disappointed wasn’t a larger margin of victory. His frustration was evident in the comments section of the game recap on ESPN.com, when he said, “We shoudl hav beat them dopes by twice as many, needed to play the bench lot’s more and tried a flul cort press!!1!”
Instead, both Boeheim and Shafer have continued to run their programs as total dictatorships, despite all evidence suggesting that there’s as much knowledge hunching over a 15 inch computer screen as there is sitting on the bench next to each head man. This is the price we pay when we elevate head coaches to such lofty perches and begin to consider them infallible. It’s the little people who suffer, and the Burt Flaherty’s will continue to be overlooked when it comes to game planning despite more than 2,000 article comments and four championships in NBA Live ’95 for the original PlayStation.
As the seasons progress, we will see once and for all just how many more pearls of wisdom Boeheim and Shafer are willing to overlook as men like Flaherty are yelling at the television screen every time a basket is missed or a pass thrown incomplete on ESPN. Meanwhile, Flaherty will be ready, his arms extended, palms upturned in exasperation as the coaches and players refuse to listen to his strategic demands to please just win, for the love of God.