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Sure, there’s some obscure holiday taking place in a couple days, and I could obviously do it a favor and shine a spotlight on it for once. But today is Festivus, perhaps the most beloved of holidays. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you this, but Festivus consists primarily of two parts: the Airing of Grievances, and the Feats of Strength. You may have noticed, but Syracuse University fans have some serious grievances we could air in 2015.

I’m not going to waste your time with the Feats of Strength, because no one wants to see me do like, 17 pushups (in a row!) and besides, if I were going to show off my awesome physical prowess I’d be doing it on a live stream for a nominal fee. Instead, let’s focus on the Airing of Grievances. Take it away, Syracuse University, class of 1950 graduate Jerry Stiller!

On Behalf of Jim Boeheim

I don’t mean to speak for Jim Boeheim, but it’s pretty obvious that his grievances are going to be pointed pretty much directly at the NCAA for its inconsistent levying of punishments, as well as the inexplicable timeframes it uses to make its decisions. It’s been well documented by now that the NCAA’s decade long investigation turned up very little by way of actual infractions, and while yes, some punishments were deserved, there’s simply no way Boeheim deserved such a harsh penalty.

And there’s certainly no way his current players deserve to be without their head coach (apologies to Mike Hopkins, who is in a tough position where he basically has to act as a substitute teacher going by the usual teacher’s syllabus). This is, once again, an instance of the NCAA punishing people who were not in any way involved in the actual infractions.

Fab Melo

Speaking of those infractions, I’ve got a bone to pick with Fab Melo, and I’m sure a lot of people do, as well. Let’s just leave it at that for now, I suppose. Watch out for door frames and turn signals, Fab.

The Heisman Committee

You know why, you bastards. And so does Riley Dixon.

Sean Lewis

I’m a big fan of our new Co-Offensive Coordinator. He’s got some serious Twitter game, and so far recruits seem to love the dude. But I do have to say, I’m not totally on board with this whole #DomeDudes hashtag just yet. And don’t get me started on the Drake gifs which, while kinda hilarious, prominently feature, you know…Drake. I’m sure Mark Coyle loves them, though.

On Behalf of Lindsey Scott

This is a grievance that’s more or less been resolved, but the lingering issue is good lord, it took you guys long enough. I don’t know what kind of college QB Lindsey Scott will wind up being, or even if he’ll wind up playing QB at all at the next level. But I do know what kind of kid he seems to be, and the ridiculous numbers he put up in earning Gatorade Player of the Year honors this season. Thank you for reaffirming his scholarship, but man…what took you?

On Behalf of Moustapha Diagne

Boy, wouldn’t it be nice if the Orange basketball team had a post player who could rebound and make a few buckets around the rim right about now? And wouldn’t it be nice if the NCAA realized it should never have any freaking jurisdiction over classes taken on another goddamn continent, thereby screwing over a kid who now, by all accounts, seems poised to wind up having to suffer through the agony of eventually playing at Pitt?

That’s a fate worse than hell. I hope you’re happy, you NCAA bastards. But I guess Senegal high school classes are in your wheelhouse more than fake classes at the University of North Carolina, aren’t they Mark Emmert?

Mark Emmert

Speaking of Mark Emmert, can we officially revoke his PhD earned at my beloved alma mater? Talk about someone we don’t want associated with our school right about now.

Colin Cowherd

No single particular reason. He’s just a douche.

Doug Gottlieb

See above.

Free Throws

Actually, Doug Gottlieb – the absolute worst free throw shooter I’ve ever seen, who, when Oklahoma State played in the Carrier Dome in the NCAA Regional, couldn’t even be anywhere near the ball at the end of the game because Eddie Sutton didn’t want to risk him being put on the free throw line – made me think about this one. What the hell is with high level college basketball players not being able to make free throws?

I mean, okay, some guys I get it. If you’re 7-foot-2, with hands that wrap all the way around the ball, it’s tough. But if you’re Michael Gbinije, an excellent shooter otherwise, why the hell are you shooting under 70% from the free throw line? For Cthulhu’s sake, I could walk into the gym right now and make 8-of-10 free throws and I’m a 35 year old dude who shoots hoops maybe 10 times per year.

Get your free throw shit together, high level basketball players.

Fans

On a more serious note, I’m so goddamn tired of the “we’re better fans than you!” bullshit that happens among the Syracuse faithful, and I’m sure happens everywhere else as well. This never became more prominent than with the situation surrounding Scott Shafer, and the fanbase divided into those who wanted him gone and those who wanted him to be given at least one more year. Unfortunately, as with anything else that happens on the internet, everyone turned into a Timmy Toughnuts and decided it was appropriate to pick fights and insult people who dared to have a different opinion.

You’ve got people who yell from one side of the aisle that they’re the better fans because they support the team and everyone connected to it no matter what, and anyone rooting for the ouster of a coach is a terrible fan, and on the other side of the aisle you’ve got people who insist that if you’re rooting for the coach at all cost you’re not a real fan of the program because you clearly don’t want success, you just want your guy to keep his job at the detriment of the program.

Both of those arguments are complete and utter bullshit, and like anything else that becomes a divisive topic, the truth is somewhere in the middle. You’re not a better fan because you put the individuals above the program, and you’re not a better fan because you put the program above the individuals. In case you hadn’t noticed, those individuals and the program are pretty damn symbiotic. They work together and believe it or not, every single person directly involved with the program wants the Orange to have success just as much as you do and, hey, even more. Because, you know: they are actually the ones playing and coaching the games.

The bickering and infighting among the fanbase is absurd, and the holier than thou attitudes that develop on each side of every argument like this almost cripples me due to the Guinness World Record magnitude eye roll it induces in me every single time.

At the end of the day, everyone just needs to quit being an asshole, and if that’s not possible, step the hell away from the keyboard and maybe find another hobby. I hear knitting is a nice way to spend a few hours, and who doesn’t love a nice new shawl? It’s a little chilly outside, and wouldn’t it come in handy right about now?

Happy Festivus, everyone.

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Jeff is a 2003 graduate of Syracuse University, and has been published on various websites including Cracked.com, Spike.com, TheSportster.com, Gunaxin.com, and TopTenz.net, among others. His work was featured in the New York Times bestselling book You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News. He’s got a wife, and a toddler he’s brainwashing to love Syracuse. Jeff’s a pretty great guy, overall, and would never steal your car. Follow him on Twitter: @jekelish