OYSTER BAY, N.Y. – Distressed by the amount of excitement there is surrounding his favorite football team, local man Eric Dunbar is reportedly just not having it. Instead, Dunbar has made it clear he wishes that people would, “just settle the fuck down, my goodness.”

The lifelong football fan and bachelor has made it no secret that he thinks people need to just calm down and not get ahead of themselves, noting that, “it’s way too goddamn early to start anointing this team, you know?”

After an impressive start to the season for Dunbar’s New York Jets, the 42-year-old data entry specialist has noted that the team has played a questionable early season schedule, and the 3-1 record the team has accrued thus far could very well be misleading. When pressed, Dunbar admitted he “just doesn’t like getting [his] hopes up.”

Dunbar, a frequent message board contributor on various Jets websites, is quick to point out the various terrible things that could happen during the rest of the season. After all, he says, “it’s a very long year and the team has broken [my] heart one time too many.”

“I just don’t understand why people have to get excited when there’s so much that could still go wrong,” said Dunbar. “It’s like my dad used to tell me all the time: hope is an overrated thing and you should just learn to live with disappointment and take the goddamn knockoff Huffy, you little brat.”

At press time, Dunbar was on his way to the local orphanage to make sure the children knew that the odds were severely stacked against them ever finding loving homes.

Bub Hooper - Ace Reporter
Bub Hooper – Ace Reporter

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