HINGHAM, Mass. – After prematurely getting a Super Bowl 50 Champs tattoo on his left calf, one New England Patriots fan has begun packing himself up to be shipped to Uganda, multiple sources have confirmed. Bill “Sully” Sullivan got the tattoo prior to the 2015-2016 NFL season, but will soon be joining countless other people with tattoos in one of the planet’s third world countries.
“I knew the risk when I got the tattoo,” said Sullivan, who added that he hopes he at least gets to live in a village where the residents believe that the Patriots also won Super Bowl XLII and that “goddamn David Tyree never made that goddamn ridiculous Helmet Catch,” thanks to all of the t-shirts shipped there after the New York Giants pulled out the improbable victory.
Sullivan is just one of many individuals sent away from American soil, his unsightly and highly inaccurate tattoo hidden away from view. Last year, a Lexington, Kentucky native named Merle Wilkins was relocated to Niger after getting a “40-0” tattoo on his left bicep in anticipation of a miraculous season for his beloved Kentucky Wildcats.
“You live and you learn,” said Wilkins from his new home in Africa, his closet stocked with a wide variety of Buffalo Bills Super Bowl Champion t-shirts and caps. “To me, the 2014-2015 season will always be special. Here, at least, as far as anyone knows the Cats really did go 40-0, and I see plenty of kids running around the streets wearing the t-shirts to prove it.”
At press time, Sullivan was browsing Craigslist ads to find a roommate, jotting down the name of a Cleveland Cavaliers fan with a rather large and unfortunate neck tattoo featuring the Larry O’Brien trophy, who relocated to Uganda following the 2014-2015 NBA Championship.